You may be the best damn girlfriend on the planet…but if you're guilty of any of these bad habits, you could be putting your connection with your man at risk.
1. You Give and Give and Give and Give
Have you heard the one about the doting girlfriend who gave her heart to a guy for three years, only for him to say that he's not the marrying kind? And then when they break up, he turns around and proposes to some bitch (and we do mean bitch!), three months later.
"I see it all the time," confesses Randi Gunther, PhD, couples counselor, and author of the upcoming book Relationship Saboteurs (June 2010). "Women know they have the capacity to nurture and care for men, and will be extremely giving. The problem is when a woman holds it against her partner — as if she's a martyr — and the guy suddenly feels very guilty and, even worse, obligated. A man likes a bitch because she has her own agenda that isn't all about him; he likes that he's not totally responsible for her happiness."
If you enjoy being a giving person, then by all means, keep it up. Just understand that it's like putting money into a bank that has a hole on the bottom — you can't expect to cash in (say, like for a commitment from a guy). Do nice things because you want to — and don't forget to be a little selfish too.
2. You Overcommunicate
With all the Facebooking, tweeting, IMing, e-mailing, and texting going on, it might feel impossible to not communicate a lot with your boyfriend or husband, at least indirectly. But all that extraneous info about what you're doing dissolves your alluring mystery, warns Ian Kerner, PhD, sex therapist and author of She Comes First.
"I actually defriended my wife on Facebook," he admits. "We've all heard the phrase that familiarity breeds contempt, but in this age of social networking, perhaps familiarity breeds something worse: boredom."
Keep some of your mystery — and mask your mundane day-to-day life — by resisting the urge to check in with your guy constantly. And ditch all the dumb updates about what you had for breakfast. We promise you that No. One. Cares.
3. You Air All Your Frustrations to Your Friends
Admit it: A good venting sesh with your girls feels great. You get to rant about how you think your man was checking out another girl last Saturday, or how you can't believe he wants to buy a new car when he could be saving that money for an engagement ring. But constantly telling your friends your guy gripes — even the smallest stuff — can sabotage your relationship, says Gunther.
"Your friends want to support you, will sympathize with you, and won't challenge you," explains Gunther. "So then everyone comes away from the chat with the deep opinion that your boyfriend or husband is usually in the wrong."
All your bitching and moaning can have a lasting effect on how your friends feel about your guy, and eventually they'll stop supporting your relationship because they remember every last jerky thing he's done. Not good. So, bottom line? You don't have to cut the chick chat altogether…but tone it down, and be sure to tell them about the nice things he does every once in a while too. You'll feel much better about your relationship overall if you remind yourself from time to time that he's a good guy.
1. You Give and Give and Give and Give
Have you heard the one about the doting girlfriend who gave her heart to a guy for three years, only for him to say that he's not the marrying kind? And then when they break up, he turns around and proposes to some bitch (and we do mean bitch!), three months later.
"I see it all the time," confesses Randi Gunther, PhD, couples counselor, and author of the upcoming book Relationship Saboteurs (June 2010). "Women know they have the capacity to nurture and care for men, and will be extremely giving. The problem is when a woman holds it against her partner — as if she's a martyr — and the guy suddenly feels very guilty and, even worse, obligated. A man likes a bitch because she has her own agenda that isn't all about him; he likes that he's not totally responsible for her happiness."
If you enjoy being a giving person, then by all means, keep it up. Just understand that it's like putting money into a bank that has a hole on the bottom — you can't expect to cash in (say, like for a commitment from a guy). Do nice things because you want to — and don't forget to be a little selfish too.
2. You Overcommunicate
With all the Facebooking, tweeting, IMing, e-mailing, and texting going on, it might feel impossible to not communicate a lot with your boyfriend or husband, at least indirectly. But all that extraneous info about what you're doing dissolves your alluring mystery, warns Ian Kerner, PhD, sex therapist and author of She Comes First.
"I actually defriended my wife on Facebook," he admits. "We've all heard the phrase that familiarity breeds contempt, but in this age of social networking, perhaps familiarity breeds something worse: boredom."
Keep some of your mystery — and mask your mundane day-to-day life — by resisting the urge to check in with your guy constantly. And ditch all the dumb updates about what you had for breakfast. We promise you that No. One. Cares.
3. You Air All Your Frustrations to Your Friends
Admit it: A good venting sesh with your girls feels great. You get to rant about how you think your man was checking out another girl last Saturday, or how you can't believe he wants to buy a new car when he could be saving that money for an engagement ring. But constantly telling your friends your guy gripes — even the smallest stuff — can sabotage your relationship, says Gunther.
"Your friends want to support you, will sympathize with you, and won't challenge you," explains Gunther. "So then everyone comes away from the chat with the deep opinion that your boyfriend or husband is usually in the wrong."
All your bitching and moaning can have a lasting effect on how your friends feel about your guy, and eventually they'll stop supporting your relationship because they remember every last jerky thing he's done. Not good. So, bottom line? You don't have to cut the chick chat altogether…but tone it down, and be sure to tell them about the nice things he does every once in a while too. You'll feel much better about your relationship overall if you remind yourself from time to time that he's a good guy.
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